The Daily Crawfish

About The Daily Crawfish

Relax, beb. It’s just satire. If you’re not sure what that is, peruse the First Amendment. We love Louisiana. We just like satire, too. So try not to take any of it too seriously. If you do then this isn’t the place for you, cher.

RSS Lafayette

  • BREAKING: Priest Used Permanent Marker Again
    LAFAYETTE, LA – Obviously trying to be some sort of part-time comedian, local resident Sarah Walters has just found out that her priest used that God-damn permanent marker again. Mrs. Walters was under the assumption that the 2019 incident was a one-off and that repeating an identical prank a year later would be in poor […]
  • Courir de Mardi Gras Event Swaps Chickens For Sloths In Order To “Give Elderly A Chance”
    CHURCH POINT, LA – Organizers at this years Church Point ‘Courir de Mardi Gras’ event have dropped a bombshell by announcing that they are getting rid of the traditional chicken, and replacing it with a three-toed sloth. The announcement comes after a small number of people criticized the event as “catering towards the younger generation” and “excluding […]
  • REPORT: Kinky Area Boyfriend Wants To Keep Fishing Shirt On
    LAFAYETTE, LA – Watch out ladies, he’s going wild! Claiming that those four bottles of Bud Light have got him feelin’ stir-crazy and way out of his comfort zone, area boyfriend Todd Michaels has just declared that he wants to “keep his fishing shirt on”. Having just got home from wining and dining his one-and-only […]
  • Barricade Farmers Report Plentiful Crop This Year
    LAFAYETTE, LA – In what is sure to be a welcome economic boost for the area, crowd control barricade farmers across the Acadiana region are claiming that this years crop is one of the biggest in history. The barricade seeds were sown in the Fall and, thanks to a fairly mild Winter season, the yield […]
  • BREAKING: Saints Win Super Bowl For 37th Year Running
    MIAMI, FL – Contrary to what the fake news media outside of the great state of Louisiana try to make you believe tonight, the New Orleans Saints have won their 37th consecutive Super Bowl with a 124-3 victory over the Kansas City Chiefs. The victory came as no surprise to anyone inside of Louisiana as […]
  • Controversy As Pierre C. Shadeaux Comes Clean As “Legally Registered Blind”
    NEW IBERIA, LA – Today marks the traditional Groundhog Day across the U.S., in which millions of people decide to ignore our advances in billion-dollar early weather detection systems, and take a glorified rat’s winter-weather prediction as gospel. A tradition that somehow continues to thrive and that many look forward to each year. However controversy surrounded today’s […]
  • Layoffs At Waitr As Company Announces Plans To “Refocus On Whatever The Hell We Were Doing Three Years Ago”
    LAKE CHARLES, LA – It’s no secret that local food-delivery company and stock market giant Waitr has been somewhat of a damp squib as of late, with an abundance of negative press, layoffs and more CEO changes than you can count on two hands. More layoffs were announced yesterday, however the company has now created […]
  • TECH: Tinder Adds New Safety Feature Warning User If Potential Match Is From St. Landry Parish
    WEST HOLLYWOOD, LA – This is great news for area romantics! App giant Tinder rolled out an update earlier today, which included a feature that alerts users if their potential match is from or resides in St. Landry Parish. Users from the Southern Louisiana area had been requesting this for a while, and although it’s […]
  • CDC Confirms Lockdown Of New Iberia After Discovering That Apparently You Can Just Do That To A City
    ATLANTA, GA – Despite nothing being particularly wrong with the area, the CDC today went ahead and put New Iberia on lock-down after observing China and realizing that you can kinda just go ahead and do that kind of thing. The move comes after the city of Wuhan in China was placed on lock-down due […]
  • Louisiana Residents Refusing To Panic Until Budlightvirus Comes To America
    MILTON, LA – Despite cases of the Coronavirus having been confirmed in the United States within the past few days, residents all across Louisiana have said that they aren’t worried and will only panic when the Budlight virus reaches the area. Originating from a market in China, the contagious and deadly virus has reached numerous […]