The Daily Crawfish

About The Daily Crawfish

Relax, beb. It’s just satire. If you’re not sure what that is, peruse the First Amendment. We love Louisiana. We just like satire, too. So try not to take any of it too seriously. If you do then this isn’t the place for you, cher.

RSS Lafayette

  • Drew Brees Retires To Concentrate On Spending More Time Trash-Talking On Falcons Facebook Page
    NEW ORLEANS, LA – After a glittering career spanning 20-years in the shadow of Tom Brady, Drew Brees today confirmed that he is retiring in order to spend more time on the Atlanta Falcons Facebook page and shit-talking on their posted articles. He made the decision this afternoon, and confirmed that he made the difficult […]
  • BREAKING: NASA’s Perseverance Rover Successfully Lands In Kaplan
    KAPLAN, LA – After a long, tough journey full of complicated science, mind-bending technology and advanced math that would make the average Louisianan pass out, NASA’s Perseverance Rover has finally touched down in Kaplan. The rover landed on the surface at around 3pm local time, after all landing procedures remained nominal and executed to perfection. […]
  • REPORT: River Ranch No Whiter Than Usual Today
    RIVER RANCH, LA – Despite an overnight snow flurry that reportedly froze the doors on numerous golf carts and rendered them useless, the upper-class neighborhood of River Ranch didn’t report an increase in any amount of whiteness. The community received around three inches – slightly more than many of the wives in the area are […]
  • Freetown Residents Reminded To Bring Their Cannabis Plants In During Hard Freeze
    LAFAYETTE, LA – With Lafayette and other areas of Louisiana set to be hit with sub-zero temperatures over the weekend, residents of Freetown have been reminded to bring their cannabis plants in if they want them to survive. Experts confirmed that the “greenery” is not able to tolerate cold conditions, and if you want a […]
  • BREAKING: Saints Deserved To Win Super Bowl For 11th Year In A Row
    The post BREAKING: Saints Deserved To Win Super Bowl For 11th Year In A Row appeared first on The Daily Crawfish.
  • Mayor Josh Guillory Commits To Saving Popeye’s Buffet As Long As Spicy Items Are Removed
    LAFAYETTE, LA – Great news for local fried chicken fans! With the future of Popeye’s last remining buffet on the line, Mayor-President Josh Guillory has stepped up to the plate and committed to saving the famed establishment as long as all spicy items are removed. The Popeye’s buffet, located in Lafayette and the last remaining […]
  • BREAKING: Jeff Bezos Stepping Down As Amazon C.E.O. To Bring The Keg Back To Its Glory Days
    LAFAYETTE, LA – Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos will step down later this year, turning the helm over to the company’s top cloud executive Andy Jassy, the company announced Tuesday. Bezos has confirmed that he will take the roll of General Manager of The Keg, bringing it back and restoring it to its glory days. Bezos […]
  • President Biden Cancels $184.26 Stealth Cropduster Arms Sale To New Iberia
    WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what is being described as a huge blow to the security of New Iberia and the surrounding area, President Biden is cancelling a $184 arms sale to the city pertaining to the purchase of a fleet of stealth crop-dusters. The next-gen crop-dusters have anti-radar and anti-UAV capabilities which would allow local […]
  • Dustin Poirier Attributes UFC Win To Running Up And Down Camelia Boulevard 49 Times A Day
    ABU DHABI, UAE – After dismantling part-time fighter and full-time arrogant whiskey seller Conor McGregor at UFC: 257 last night, Dustin Poirier has revealed that running up and down Camelia Boulevard 49 times a day was the secret to his victory. Poirier beat the Irishman in two rounds through TKO, and received praise from all […]
  • Dead And Empty Gulf Oilfield Bought Out By Spirit Halloween
    GULF OF MEXICO – Following the sad news that the oilfield is now completely and utterly dead thanks to President Joe Biden officially stepping foot in the Oval Office for the first time, the Gulf of Mexico oilfield has been bought out by top-tier location predators Spirit Halloween. The oilfield was officially shut down seconds […]