The Daily Crawfish

About The Daily Crawfish

Relax, beb. It’s just satire. If you’re not sure what that is, peruse the First Amendment. We love Louisiana. We just like satire, too. So try not to take any of it too seriously. If you do then this isn’t the place for you, cher.

RSS Lafayette

  • With I-10 Eastbound Closed All Day, Scientists Confirm That Nature Is Slowly Healing To Normality
    CROWLEY, LA – With the I-10 Eastbound closed for the majority of the day today due to an overturned truck, scientists confirmed that this is the definitive marker of proof that nature is returning to normality amid the COVID-19 pandemic. The I-10 was closed until around 9pm today, with local authorities reopening the stretch of […]
  • 2500kg Of Sage, 5000 Litres Of Holy Water Delivered To Help With Lesspay Motel Demolition
    LAFAYETTE, LA – With the demolition of the world-famous Lesspay Motel at Lafayette’s Four Corners set to begin this week, authorities have began shipping in all the essential goods needed to undertake this operation. This morning saw the arrival of the first of these goods, with 2500kg of authentic, industrial-strength sage and a further 5000 […]
  • POLL: 93% Of Residents Yearning For Return To Simpler Time When I-10 Was Closed Every Day
    LAFAYETTE, LA – With most of them claiming that they just want things to go back to how they used to be, a new poll released today shows that 93% of area residents are yearning for a simpler time when the I-10 was closed everyday due to a wreck. Emotions are high and many residents […]
  • Pastor Tony Spell Announces ‘#PastorSpellBailMoneyChallenge’ Moments After Being Arrested
    BATON ROUGE, LA – Proving that there might just be a God after all, controversial Baton Rouge Pastor Tony Spell was arrested today after nearly backing a bus into a protester on Sunday. The arrest, which took place earlier this morning, prompted the pastor to temporarily halt his #PastorSpellStimulusChallenge and launch his brand new, impromptu […]
  • With Crude Demand Low, Louisiana Announces Plans To Diversify Into Olive Oil Drilling
    BATON ROUGE, LA – With crude oil prices crashing to negative prices in the US today, Governor John Bel Edwards today announced plans for Louisiana to finally diversify and begin drilling for olive oil. The announcement came as thousands of workers wondered if, and possibly when the oilfield would fall to its knees and finally […]
  • Cajundome Provide Free Impromptu Nickelback Concert With Every COVID-19 Test
    LAFAYETTE, LA – Claiming that it was both an effort to entertain those who attend and the fact that they have nothing better to do, Cajundome officials confirmed that rock band Nickelback performed a free concert to each individual tested. The Cajundome was open all day today as a designated COVID-19 testing site, where almost […]
  • Governor Edwards Restricts Family Crawfish Boils To Maximum Of 100 People
    BATON ROUGE, LA – In an unprecedented move to combat the rapidly-spreading COVID-19 virus, Governor Edwards has declared that all family crawfish boils will be restricted to no more than 100 people until the end of April. The move is sure to cause extreme disruption to most family crawfish boils across the Southern part of […]
  • UL Deemed Safe From Coronavirus After Being Unable To Find On-Campus Parking
    LAFAYETTE, LA – Despite concerns that UL would take precautions to combat the COVID-19 virus, officials announced today that it posed no threat to campus after it was unable to find a parking spot. COVID-19 – commonly known as the Coronavirus – spent approximately 45 minutes driving around the Lafayette campus looking for a parking […]
  • Festival International Announces 4 Days Of Nothing But Cowboy Mouth To Help Combat Transmission Of Illness
    LAFAYETTE, LA – With COVID-19 taking hold in many countries all around the world, Festival International organizers have decided to change the line-up to four days of non-stop Cowboy Mouth in order to help prevent spread of infection. The line-up change was decided upon this morning and announced this evening. This comes on the back […]
  • BREAKING: Priest Used Permanent Marker Again
    LAFAYETTE, LA – Obviously trying to be some sort of part-time comedian, local resident Sarah Walters has just found out that her priest used that God-damn permanent marker again. Mrs. Walters was under the assumption that the 2019 incident was a one-off and that repeating an identical prank a year later would be in poor […]